I’m really struggling at the moment with my body and mind… they seem to belong to other people.
I physically am working on keeping fit and healthy but find my mind is happy being mischievous and naughty. At work I say and do things that are misleading because I can’t stand the person I’m talking to. And then I send an email that makes it better. I honk the car horn at someone that wants my side of the road…it’s never mattered before. I’m going to get in trouble if I don’t stop.
Perhaps this is my midlife crisis. Emotionally I’m all over the shop. Perhaps it’s because this peri menopausal stage has me guessing at every step. I can’t keep up with periods every second week. But of course, peri menopausal means it can’t be diagnosed and in turn has nothing that can help. Doctors must be relieved that they have a year or two of non diagnosis.
Is it related to my hair colour? I’ve been blonde for a few months and feel like I’ve stopped being me – I don’t stand up for my beliefs, I like to lurk in the shadows… don’t draw attention to myself. Tonight I’m colouring my hair – back to red. Even though I convinced myself that at my age I needed to be blonde – red is too severe and I can’t carry it off. Turns out my mind has other ideas.
I stood up for a belief recently at work…am I resorting back to type? I hope so. I’ve been so busy worrying about other people and their feelings that I’ve forgotten to be me. Turns out I do have a moral compass, and if you don’t like it you can shove it up your ass.
Where has my fight gone? Did it fall away with the placenta? Did I get so tired I couldn’t do more than one task at at time? I have struggled with thinking that everyone thinks like me… I’m so disappointed that I get proven wrong. Why don’t people want world peace and happiness for all? Why don’t people want to help others? Why do people want to shit on me from a great height to prove they are good at what they do? Why do they need to treat me like shit to make themselves look good? Who cares if they look good? I’m just the emotional baggage discarded on the way. Problem I’m having is I’m at the bottom of the school food chain – there’s nobody for me to shit on. Nobody for me to ask for help.
How much longer can I last?
Is it me?